Reality Check: Life goes on

I would like dedicate this blog post to my Aunt Laurie (sorry it took so long),

First off, where in the heck did January and February go?!? I feel like I’ve been in a time warp.  The past few months have flown by way too fast, but they were definitely a wonderful few months!

My trip home seems like it was ages ago and just yesterday at the same time.  I made it home to Utah Dec. 18^th.  It was so so so wonderful to be there. It was weird because it felt like I never left. Like my life in MN and everything that had happened out here was a dream. I was back at home, such a comforting and happy place.  It was exciting to see family, friends, and neighbors that I hadn’t seen in what seemed like forever.  Most of my time home was spent hanging out with family and friends, shopping, and eating lots and lots of good food. All necessary things for a good recovery.  I did have to squeeze in cardiac rehab weekday mornings and weekly blood tests to make sure my rat poison (Coumadin) was keeping my blood nice and thin. Many thanks to my chauffeurs who took me to all these wonderful appointments and everywhere else I needed to go. You know who you are!

Life was interesting following my surgery. What I had gone through hadn’t fully hit me. I felt very good, given the circumstances, and wanted to live my life as a ‘normal’ person, (whatever that is supposed to mean).  I found myself frustrated with the fact that I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t shouldn’t lift things. I felt pretty much useless when things needed to be done. It was hard to be so dependent and unable to help yourself or those around you.   

It was definitely a learning experience and I hope I can remember the things I learned for heart surgery round 2, whenever that happens. I learned a lot (and continue to learn a lot) of patience, especially with myself.

I learned : 

• sometimes being strong means accepting your weaknesses- (still a work in progress).
• I am one very very lucky and loved individual.
• I have such an amazing group of family and friends who support me and continue to do so much for me! Please forgive me for not thanking you more and being more appreciative while I was home.  I wouldn’t have made it through without you all.
• that getting frustrated by those who are trying to help is ridiculous because they are doing it because they love you so much.
• even if you don’t want help, you probably need it.
• If you feel babied or overly worried about, its because people love you. 
• to be patient with others because even if you (thought you) felt ok with all that had happened, that wasn’t always the case for everyone else. 
• that walking on a treadmill can be very very hard work, even if its only for a few minutes and a slow speed.
• recovery takes time, like so many things in life. You have to work for it and wait for it and you can’t get something for nothing.
• I love Hawaiian food and malasadas, (thanks Elaine)!
• that you can NEVER have too much Cafe Rio.

It has been a month since I started writing this post, (oops), and I continue to add more to the list of wonderful things I am learning. It sure is amazing how God knows exactly what ways you need to learn and grow and knows exactly what will help you accomplish that.

Physically, I am doing so well now.  I started off walking on a treadmill for 6 minutes at a slow speed. There were many days when I wondered if I would ever get better and if I would ever be able to handle exercise like I did before.  I am so happy to say that with time, that does come back.  I have continued to attend cardiac rehab and am now walking on a 15% incline, 3.5-4 mph, and for 35 min.  I also ran a mile for the first time a few days ago, which was great considering a few weeks ago slowly jogging for 3 min nearly did me in.  I feel so much stronger now and can really tell that this surgery has helped me out a lot, in ways I never knew I needed.

Ok, back to my trip to UTAH!!!...

I had a wonderful Christmas with my family! I am so happy I was able to spend time with them at Grandma’s house! I would have been really sad if I had to miss that wonderful holiday tradition. I also had fantastic new years with my dad’s side of the family and was so glad I was able to party it up with Phil and Carolyn when their family came to town. 

For the most part, life was wonderful. I didn’t have to work and I was having such a good time being with the people I loved. I never wanted it to end! I had this secret hope that somehow, some way, I wouldn’t have to move back to MN, that I would be able to stay in Utah.  As my departure date got closer and closer that fantasy became less and less real until I was packing up my bags to head on my way.  I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t very happy about it at all. Hurray for my angel Ashley who had a flight to back to MN with me.  My mom put her in charge of keeping me from going AWOL. 

The first few weeks back were rough. I didn’t want to be here! I didn’t have any work yet, I didn’t want to do anything but go back to Utah and be with the people I loved, (not that I don’t love people out here because I do).  As time has gone on, things have been getting better and better. I am working at the clinic building downtown scanning papers into the computer so they have an electronic copy of research information. I recently graduated from scanning and get to do some data entry too….yahoo!   It doesn’t sound all that fun, and its not, but despite not wanting to go back to work I am so glad I was able to.  It makes a huge difference to actually feel like you are contributing to something in life.

I guess I hoped for a lot of things to change with this heart surgery deal. Mostly selective changes, though.  Even thought I wanted to live like a ‘normal’ person, how could life just continue as it had before?  How could I just go back to the daily grind, as if nothing happened? I found myself almost wanting to be sick again so I didn’t have to go back to that reality. Although a lot of my day to day activities haven’t changed, I have and continue to change because of what I went through. I hope these changes are for the better.

It is finally all starting to hit me now… I never thought it would.  I had open heart surgery!!!! I am not the same as I used to be. This will be a part of who I am for the rest of my life. I am not sure in what ways it will affect me most.  Along with the physical changes, I hope that this has brought about some overall life changes as well. Life is so precious, and I am so grateful for the perfect timing of all these events in my life. I am grateful that I was here in MN, with such a wonderful roommate and the best doctors and surgeons in the world. I am so so blessed and need to be better about continually recognizing that and letting others know when they bless my life, because so many people do.  I have finally realized accepted that yes, major surgery and recovery is hard (both physically and emotionally). I also realize that so many others deal with a lot more difficult stuff than what I went through and handle it so much better than I ever could.  Those people are heroes to me!

On a completely unrelated note, my favorite sister is going on a mission! She has been called as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and will be spending 18 months in the Manchester, New Hampshire mission.  She is one amazing gal and I am privileged to be her sister.  She has always been a wonderful example and even if she wasn’t taller than me, I would still look up to her so much! She is so strong, diligent, and has a spirit about her that cannot be ignored. Those people in New Hampshire should, in the words of Sister Dixon herself, 'consider themselves grateful' that she is headed their way! Sure love ya, Skip!